15 years ago, I almost died, if it hadn't been a night that was quiet in the ER.
If it hadn't been for the physicians on duty because it wasn't a weekend.
If it hadn't been for the fact I'd been pushed to go because I was clearly not well.
I would not be here right now.
(Even in the here that I don't really like sometimes. Even in the here that includes isolation, death, divorce, and fits of anger at absolutely everything.)
But I am.
For that, I am grateful. I don't believe there is a reason for everything, but I do believe the universe to be a benevolent co-creator / co-conspirator.
So I'm here. And I need to choose to show up and really be here.
Rather in the sleeping all the time, staying away from friends, and hiding in old patterns.
So I accept that all things are happening at the same time, even when it doesn't feel like it.
Even when I am angry with flashes of happy, hurting with flashes of hope, healing with flashes of stuck.
A few days ago, I was crying at my desk. I had already dropped off the paperwork to end my marriage. And I was alone with my cats
And I couldn't stop crying. Each new round of sobs felt like it was trying to scrape away any memory and everyone last bit of connection.
But that wasn't/isn't going to happen anytime soon.
I felt my heart slow into a sinking. Somehow moving deeper into my body, maybe hiding. Maybe retreating. Knowing there is no winning of this inside/outside war.
I want to know my heart. I want to help it heal and emerge from the spaces it has laid and been tucked away. Seeing too much. Feeling too much. Losing too much.
I am not trying to win grief or loss.
I am trying to win my life back.
So I bought a heart. Actually, two. One anatomical model. One plushy.
The parts of the heart are labeled so I look at them -- and know them.
I will explore the heart and find out how it works. How it holds itself together. How it breaks itself apart.
I will follow the electricity and the blood. I will follow it through the body to see where it goes. Where it travels. Where it offers. Where it takes away.
I have already learned that the heart is the first organ that grows in a human. It is the first piece of the puzzle of life. It is the first way the cells make sense of the movement, the division, the creation.
The heart starts. And continues until the last beat.
I will get to know my heart. One piece at a time.